Teaching kids to set boundaries, and to respect the boundaries of others, is one of the most important life skills we can support them in developing. But what happens when setting a boundary feels like it might cost them a friendship that they truly value? Saying “no” or speaking up when something doesn’t feel right can be difficult. Kids worry about hurting their friend’s feelings, being left out or losing someone they love. Parents want their children to build meaningful friendships while also knowing that their needs, feelings and comfort matter. While uncomfortable situations can begin in early childhood, these skills can become particularly important as they grow older and face more complex social situations, peer pressure and potentially unsafe situations. By supporting our children to speak honestly, value individual differences, and realize that a true friend will never ask them to sacrifice their own needs, we give them the tools to form healthy and meaningful connections. We empower them to see that a real friend will honor their boundaries, just as they learn to accept and respect the boundaries of others.
Why Teaching Kids to Set Boundaries Matters
Watching your children develop friendships is one of the great joys of being a parent. It begins when they are toddlers playing alongside one another, sharing toys and laughing together. During those early years, we tend to focus on teaching children that their friends’ feelings are important. We help them take the perspective of others, saying things like, “Be kind,” and “Make sure you share.” This is an essential part of a healthy friendship, but sometimes we don’t spend enough time on the fact that your child’s feelings matter too. Hearing and experiencing this will help kids feel safe enough to stand up for themselves.
In the context of a friendship a boundary is a rule or limit that one sets in order to feel safe, comfortable and respected. This can consist of an emotional boundary (letting others know you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness), a physical boundary (letting others know your body deserves respect and you make decisions about what happens to your body) or a material boundary (letting others know that you are in charge of your things and make decisions about what can be shared or given away). It is important to make the distinction that boundaries are about you deciding what is acceptable to you, but not controlling others. For example, you can say, “I do not want to play.” That is a firm and clear boundary. But you can not force others not to play.
Learning the skill of boundary setting is crucial to children’s emotional development. Understanding their needs, expressing them and seeing their friends meet those needs gives them a sense of autonomy and positively impacts their self-esteem. As children grow up, they are less likely to be pressured into uncomfortable situations and they are more likely to respect the boundaries of others. They will see that setting boundaries does not necessarily result in rejection. In fact, it actually serves to create better and stronger relationships.
Getting Comfortable with Discomfort
The desire for human connection is a fundamental psychological and biological need. We are naturally wired to build and sustain friendships. Naturally, the fear of losing connection can be overwhelming when a relationship encounters strain. As children grow up and tricky situations with friends arise, some may begin to see boundaries as rude or something that will create drama or push others away. Will I hurt their feelings? Will they be mad at me? Will they still be my friend? The fear of losing this fundamental connection is normal and natural. However, when boundaries are communicated and respected, they are much more likely to create stronger bonds between friends.
What we need to impart on our children is that they can express their needs clearly and respectfully, without losing a friend. For example, let’s say your child’s friend cuts in front of them in line. They say nothing because they are afraid that if they say something their friend won’t like them anymore. An alternative option would be to say, “I’m standing here, please stand behind me.” That is kind and it is also a boundary. Friends will also set boundaries with your child and that will not mean that they don’t like them anymore. It is important to help our children understand that although the anxiety around communicating boundaries is real, it is the only way to maintain a safe and healthy relationship. To further equip your kids with practical boundary-setting skills, consider the following strategies:
Model Behavior
Kids tend to learn best by what their parents model, so pay attention to your own feelings or propensities around setting boundaries. First, notice how you set boundaries with your children. Be calm, clear and consistent with the limits you set. Next, it is important to listen to them when they are communicating a boundary in their own way. Maybe you think tickling them is funny and maybe they did at first too. But when you hear “Stop!” listen to them and stop right away. If they want you to knock before walking into their room, respect their boundary and follow through. Last, allow your children to see you set boundaries with other important people in your life. That may look like telling your partner that you did not like the way they spoke to you and stating what you need. Or maybe your kids over hear you turning down an invitation to a friend’s holiday party because you have too much on your plate. Demonstrate the behaviors you want your children to emulate and normalize the feelings that may come up for all of us in these moments.
Look for Teachable Moments
Sometimes kids are more open to discussing their behaviors when the conversation is not about them at all. There are plenty of examples of boundary pushing and boundary setting in books, movies, television and even social media content that we watch with our kids. Look for these moments and take advantage of them. Ask questions such as, “How do you think he felt?” “Does that behavior seem okay with her?” “How would you feel if that happened to you? What would you do?” These are opportunities for kids to build empathy for others, understand their own boundaries and feel prepared when they do encounter uncomfortable situations with friends.
Practice
Setting boundaries is a skill like any other, you must practice to feel more confident in your ability. Role playing various challenges with friendships can be a great way for kids to practice setting boundaries and find the words they need to manage tricky situations with confidence. Further, it provides an opportunity to normalize the discomfort that can arise in these moments, and allow them to see how much better they felt after the boundary was communicated.
Simple Scripts for Teaching Kids to Set Boundaries at Every Age
Children may look to the important adults in their world for guidance with relationships, but even adults aren’t always sure of the right words to say. The language you use with a toddler will certainly be different than with a 7-year-old or with a teenager. Here are some practical scripts to use at each age group that may be helpful with your child:
Age 0-2 – Model simple language
- “No”
- “All done”
- “Space”
Age 3-5 – Use short phrases and expect to repeat this language often
- “No thank you.”
- “Space please.”
- “I don’t like that.”
Age 6-9 – Introduce “I” statements
- “I am not okay with that.”
- “Please stop…I said no.”
- “I need some space right now.”
Age 10-12 – Start to include more specific information
- “I don’t think it’s funny when…”
- “I don’t like when…”
Age 13+ – Discuss patterns of unhealthy relationships
- “I’m not comfortable with that plan.”
- “I don’t want to talk right now. I will reach out when I’m ready.”
Teaching children how to set boundaries while maintaining friendships is a valuable life skill. We all want our children to be able to say no to a bully, stand up for a friend who is being picked on or trust their gut and leave a situation that feels unsafe. By teaching them the importance of mutual respect we empower them to build friendships that are supportive and fulfilling. Learning to set boundaries takes time, practice and some stumbles along the way. They won’t always get it right and that’s okay. Your job is to continue to provide gentle guidance, encouragement and opportunities to practice along the way.
Healthy friendships are built on kindness, honesty and mutual respect. By supporting them on their journey, we help lay the foundation for stronger relationships and greater self-confidence. Children should grow up knowing without question that they should never have to choose between being loved and feeling safe.
If your child or teen is struggling with friendships, peer pressure, or speaking up for themselves, or if you’re looking for support of your own, we are here to help. Give us a call at (973) 891-0793 or contact us online to schedule a consultation.
