By Jennifer Pitman, LCSW

Life is full of stress and obligations. We are pulled in multiple directions at once. Work, kids, friendships, family. They all require our time and attention. But how much can we take on and still maintain our sanity? The needs, desires and expectations from others can be exhausting and very often leads to burnout. Burnout arises when you are so stressed that you become depleted and no longer have the motivation to accomplish the tasks you would like to, let alone the tasks that others expect. If you have found yourself inching toward burnout then you have waited long enough to create boundaries. Maybe you feel you’ve waited too long or believe it would be selfish to put yourself first. If creating boundaries is outside of your comfort zone, here is a roadmap to help you protect your peace. 

The thought of boundary setting can stir up anxiety and even fear for some people. It is particularly difficult for those with people-pleasing tendencies. People pleasers tend to put the needs, feelings and opinions of others ahead of their own. Hmm, isn’t that just being a good human? Yes, sometimes being a good human means going out of your way to help someone else. However, people pleasers display a consistent pattern of behavior and are motivated by a fear of rejection or an avoidance of conflict. In order to avoid disruption in a relationship, they are willing to adjust their inner thoughts, feelings and opinions. You probably know a people pleaser or two. This could look like a grandmother who repeatedly cancels her dinner plans to fill in for the babysitter, the employee who is always willing to take on extra work when you are in a bind and the co-dependent partner who slowly leaves all of their friends behind to devote themselves completely to their relationship. As you can imagine, this pattern of behavior inevitably leads to overwhelm, resentment, and of course, emotional burnout. 

Creating boundaries might feel overwhelming. Even the term boundaries sounds hostile to some. But let’s not think of this as a war to wage. Boundaries are simply the way that you would like to be treated and the way you will treat others. In our lives there is no fence or stop sign alerting others that they are going too far. It is up to us to communicate our needs, desires and limits. So how do we set healthy boundaries while remaining connected to the people we care about?  

Identify Your Boundaries

Take a moment to check in with yourself. Notice the sensations in your body. Do you have a knot in your stomach, tension in your shoulders, are you exhausted? 

Now check in with your emotions. Are you angry, uncomfortable, resentful? These body sensations and feelings are all signals that you may need to create some safeguards to protect your well being. 

Next, focus on your current relationships, whether family, romantic or work relationships. Consider whether any of these are increasing your stress or may be creating unrealistic expectations of you. 

Last, explore what you need to feel more calm, relaxed and happy. Is it more personal time? Is it respect? 

Yes, this requires a great deal of self reflection, but it is all in service of protecting your feelings, your energy and even your individuality. Make these check-ins with yourself an ongoing practice. We are constantly evolving. What used to work for you may no longer align with your current needs, so be honest with yourself and your loved ones when your priorities change.  

Get Comfortable Saying No

Communicating clear and firm boundaries can actually be quite scary. The mind can become flooded with fears of hurting someone you love, getting fired or losing someone important in your life. To some, creating boundaries feels like a form of abandonment. But the reality is, boundaries are a form of protection. You may feel guilty or anxious after you set a boundary. So let’s prepare for the discomfort of saying no. 

One vitally important thing to remember is that emotions come and go. You may have heard that emotions are like waves in the ocean. The emotion comes and gets bigger and bigger until you feel like you can’t take it anymore. And then… it washes away. Ride the wave. Taking deep breaths, creating a mantra and some healthy distraction are all good options for managing these uncomfortable emotions. Once you have communicated your boundary clearly and firmly you may feel guilty, but the guilt will pass. After some time you may feel more calm, happy or even proud and strong! Ultimately, this is an opportunity to reclaim your power. 

Communicate Your Boundaries

Now that you have identified your boundaries and prepared yourself emotionally, you are finally ready to communicate your boundaries to the important people in your life. This can be your partner, your family, your friends or your boss. Be clear, firm and as confident as possible when conveying your limits. 

One helpful communication tool is to use “I” statements. This can help to express how you feel and reduce the likelihood of the other person feeling blamed.  Explain “I feel _____ when you       _____. I need _____.” For example, “I feel anxious when people shout at me. I need you to stay calm when we disagree.” Don’t beat around the bush. Get to the point and be firm in your delivery. Once you have stated your boundary clearly, be sure to follow through and be consistent. Hold the boundary with verbal or non-verbal communication. Maybe this means that the next time your co-worker asks you to take on more responsibility with their project you say “I can’t take that on right now.” When your partner belittles you again, you remove yourself from the conversation. Or when your son asks you for money again, you simply say, “no.” 

“Please stop. 

I don’t like that. 

I’m feeling uncomfortable. 

I need more space. 

It’s a boundary.” 

These are the lyrics to a song that my daughter learned in preschool at the age of 2-and-a-half. At the time I thought this was just adorable. But there is a reason they are teaching boundary setting as early as preschool. Keeping a boundary is really hard! And you don’t have to be a people pleaser to struggle with this. Identifying, communicating and maintaining boundaries requires presence, energy and work. Poor boundaries are fueled by insecurities we all have around rejection and our desire to be liked, loved and accepted. The truth is that creating healthy boundaries can improve our relationships. Boundaries help us communicate that we have respect for ourselves and we expect others to treat us with that same respect. By prioritizing a healthy relationship with ourselves, we will foster healthy relationships with others. 

Professional Support for Setting Healthy Boundaries

If you are struggling with emotional burnout, chronic stress, anxiety about saying no, or patterns of people-pleasing that feel difficult to break, therapy can provide meaningful support.

At Evolve Psychological Services in Montclair, NJ, we work with clients of all ages who feel overwhelmed by relational stress and unsure how to create healthier balance. Therapy offers a space to explore the roots of people-pleasing behaviors, develop assertive communication skills, regulate anxiety, and learn how to set healthy boundaries without overwhelming guilt.

We provide in-person therapy in Montclair as well as virtual therapy across NJ, NY and PsyPact states. Our goal is to help you move from exhaustion and resentment toward clarity, confidence, and emotional resilience.

If you are ready to protect your peace, prevent burnout, and build boundaries that truly support your mental health, contact Evolve Psychological Services today to schedule an appointment.

Support is available, and meaningful change is possible.