Joy to the world, the holiday season is upon us! It is a time to rejoice, focus on giving to others and relish the time spent with friends, family and loved ones. At least that’s what Christmas songs and Hallmark movies say. But for many of us this is anything but the most wonderful time of the year. For this is the time when one must face the ghosts of codependent relationships past and present. Even if you have tried to conquer your codependency, you may struggle to maintain boundaries during the holiday season as the obligations and demands of loved ones surge. If you are dreading holiday gatherings with family and friends or fear running into that one relative, you may be experiencing codependency. We will talk about what this is, how it impacts one’s relationships and how to break the cycle of codependency.
What is Codependency?
Codependency is a relationship in which one person, who does not have a strong sense of self, has an emotional reliance on another person who is controlling or manipulative. This relationship pattern can be caused by psychological, environmental and interpersonal factors. In codependent relationships there is an unequal power dynamic with a giver and a taker. The taker has extreme needs and the giver feels responsible to fulfill those, at the exclusion of their own needs. Codependents will form relationships that are one sided and often abusive. They are usually unable to sustain a healthy and fulfilling relationship. This concept was initially developed to describe the relationship between addicts and their spouses, whose lives tend to be taken over by caring for and protecting the addicted party. However, it is now understood that this behavior can take the form of many different relationships from parent-child, to romantic relationships, to friendships.
How Does Codependency Begin?
The groundwork for codependency can be laid as early as infancy. An infant’s experiences help them develop an internal representation of a caregiver. If one’s caregivers can not consistently meet their needs of safety and security the world will begin to feel unsafe. They will believe that those who care for them can not fulfill their needs. Through childhood and into adulthood they may crave attention and reassurance and fear abandonment. Most often, codependent behaviors develop as a survival tactic for children who grow up in an abusive or dysfunctional environment in which parents are unable to meet their children’s needs. Children who have experienced abuse and neglect often grow up with a parent struggling with addiction or chronic mental illness, such as depression or bipolar disorder, and are more likely to develop codependent behaviors as a result. Other family dynamics that can lead to codependency include overprotective parents and families with poor boundaries.
Codependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down through generations. When codependency is modeled by parents, the experience influences one’s expectations of others and oneself. A belief may develop that their needs cannot be met by others or that their needs are not important. Instead, they may have received the message that in order to maintain a close connection to someone, they must meet the needs and desires of their partner, at the sacrifice of their own needs. As one enters adulthood they bring their codependent behaviors with them to romantic relationships, friendships and even the work environment.
Signs of Codependency
It is clear that when you’ve grown up in a codependent family dynamic, you can move away from your family, but your codependency will follow you. These patterns are learned and a blueprint for future relationships is laid very early in life. Codependency can be complex and since talking about problems is discouraged in codependent relationships, it is often difficult to notice when this is impacting your life. Here are just a few common signs of codependency:
Inability to Set Boundaries
An inability to set boundaries is a common trait of a codependent person. One does not develop a sense of self in childhood and instead defines themselves in relation to others. This drives them to meet the needs and desires of others and causes them to feel extreme discomfort around expressing their own needs. An example of this may be taking on too many responsibilities at work for fear that you may disappoint your boss or co-workers. This causes you to take time away from your family, spend late nights at the office and miss important family events.
Need for Control
A person who is codependent may try to control the situation or the other person to relieve their own anxiety and fear of abandonment. An example of this would be constantly needing to check your partner’s phone or telling them who they are allowed to spend time with.
Avoidance of conflict
People in codependent relationships often avoid stating their needs or letting their partner know they are upset about something they did. This is typically done to maintain a sense of stability and avoid rejection. For example, the mother of an adult son who chooses not to tell him that she is upset he forgot her birthday for fear of upsetting him.
Enabling destructive behavior
Enabling often happens in relationships with loved ones who have addictions. A person who is codependent may believe they are protecting or supporting their loved one, but in fact they are maintaining their harmful behaviors and stopping their loved one from facing consequences which could lead to their own recovery. Enabling behaviors looks like a loved one trying to cover up their partner’s mistakes or a parent providing financial support when their adult child can not meet their responsibilities.
The Holiday Struggle: Breaking the Codependency Cycle
You may begin to realize that this is sounding all too familiar. If you grew up in a codependent environment, you may find that, despite physical distance from your family, those old dynamics resurface the moment you return home. You might feel pulled into unhealthy patterns with a parent, sibling, or partner. Recognizing the signs of codependency is the first step toward recovery. It is never too late to make the changes necessary to break free from this cycle. Here are a few steps you can take to prioritize yourself:
Seek Support
Working with an individual or family therapist can help you recognize how codependency is impacting your life and introduce new ways to maintain a healthy and happy relationship.
Set Boundaries
As you return home for the holidays and are faced with codependent parents, siblings, friends or partners setting boundaries is key to breaking the cycle. Your therapist can help you to build self-awareness and to effectively communicate your boundaries.
Self-Care
A codependent person has likely never prioritized their own self-care so this may initially feel uncomfortable. However, it is so important that you take care of your needs and desires in order to feel fulfilled. Figure out what you need and choose one small act of self care to begin your journey.
Think about who you may encounter when you return to the holiday table this season. Is it the overly critical mother-in-law who constantly plays the victim? Is it your brother who drinks too much and lashes out, but everyone seems to pretend it’s not happening? Is it a mother who expects your sister to do everything and she complies just to avoid upsetting her? Is it your partner that you are bringing home who won’t allow you to visit old friends while you’re in town? This is your opportunity to break the patterns you have carried with you for so many years. There is no better time to prioritize your needs, set healthy boundaries and create a new season of joy.
