by Allison Dickens, LPC, LCADC

Happy Women’s Month!  Let this be a time to affirm, support, and recognize the important women in our lives and in our world.  Please take the time to celebrate the women in your life who uplift, inspire, and change our world every day. It’s also a time to reflect on the challenges many face, including the impact of bullying, which disproportionately affects girls and women. 

Bullying is a complex and harmful experience that affects both the person being bullied and the person engaging in bullying behavior.  Understanding the signs of bullying, whether in your child or in your community, is the first step toward healing and resolution. Conversely, it is just as important to understand the signs of being a bully, and know how to address these behaviors in a sensitive and caring way.

Signs Your Child May Be A Victim of Bullying

Bullying can take many forms, including physical, verbal, social, and cyberbullying.  Children experiencing bullying often feel guilt and shame about it, and often feel unable to ask for help.  Here are common indicators that your child might be experiencing bullying: 

Emotional and Behavioral Changes: Many children being bullied experience either an onset of or an increase in mental health symptoms.  This can include increased anxiety, depression, withdrawal from social activities, increased anger or frustration, or a sudden drop in confidence or positivity.  You may notice your child becoming increasingly agitated and more prone to fight with you, or you may notice them withdraw completely.

Physical Symptoms: Someone who is being bullied may complain of more frequent headaches or stomach aches and other somatic symptoms, which may be related to stress.  Additionally, you may notice unexplained cuts or bruises on your child that they cannot or will not explain.  Sleep may become difficult and your child may experience restlessness or nightmares.

Avoidance Behaviors: Your child may ask for more frequent days home from school or ask to quit activities they used to enjoy.  They may also do things like take a longer route home from school or refuse to take the bus.

Changes in Academic Performance: A bullied child may struggle to complete tasks such as homework or projects for school.  Grades may drop, schoolwork may suffer, and tasks that used to be easy may become more challenging.  You may also notice a decline in motivation and focus.

Loss of Friendships: You may notice your child talking less about friends and friend groups that used to be important to them, or talking about being excluded from social events and activities. Talking less about friends or refusing to talk about them completely may hint at difficult peer relationships.

How to Support A Bullied Child

If these signs sound familiar, here are some ways you can support your child who you believe is being bullied:

Listen and Validate Their Experience: Often, the most important tool for helping someone is an open ear and a loving heart.  Let your child talk to you about their experience and validate their feelings.  Remind them that this is not their fault, and that they did nothing to deserve this. Create and maintain open, reciprocal communication and ensure that your child knows that they can trust you with difficult topics.

Encourage Self-Care and Coping Strategies: Help your child to focus on their strengths and the way they shine.  This is especially important for circumstances where bullying takes your child away from peer groups or activities they enjoy. Activities like journaling, mindfulness, or engaging in hobbies can help rebuild self-esteem.  Offer to help them find new activities to replace any that they no longer feel safe pursuing.

Encourage Them to Seek Help from Other Trusted Adults: As much as we try, we cannot be there for every second of our child’s life.  Encourage your child to tell a teacher, school counselor, or other trusted adult when bullying is happening so it can be addressed in the moment.  Help them to practice these difficult conversations and advocate for themselves.

Partner with the School: Reach out to teachers, administrators, or school counselors to address bullying concerns. Schools often have policies and resources in place to support students and foster a safe environment.

Signs Someone Might Be Engaging in Bullying

When talking about bullying, we usually focus on the person being bullied, but it is just as important to understand aggressive and bullying behavior and know how to handle it in our children.  It can be difficult to believe that your child may be the aggressor in these relationships, but here are some signs that their behavior may be problematic:

Aggressive or Controlling Behavior:  Children who bully others at school often show similar behavior at home.  Aggressive and controlling behavior, whether verbal or physical, may exhibit itself in relationships with siblings or other family members, or even family pets.  This may also look like your child taking pleasure in making others feel uncomfortable, scared or embarrassed.

Lack of Empathy: This can mean anything from dismissing the feelings of others to lack of remorse for hurting another person, whether that hurt is physical or emotional.  Children who struggle with empathy often show little understanding of how their actions affect those around them.

Blaming Others:  Often, children who bully with blame their behavior on others, including the victim of their behavior.  However, this can bleed over into failure to take responsibility for actions in any area of life, including poor academic or sports performance.  

Trouble with Authority:  Children who bully often exhibit difficulty in rule following and in listening to authority figures.  This may also look like risky or impulsive behaviors at home or at school.  If your child often finds himself in trouble at school, or struggles with rules and boundaries at home, this may be a warning sign of problem behavior.

How to Help Your Child if They Are Bullying Others

No parent wants their child to be a bully.  However, if any of the above signs of being a bully sound like behavior you recognize in your child, here are some ideas on how to help them understand the impact of their behavior and find alternative outlets for their emotions.

Have an Honest Conversation: Approach your child in a calm, non judgmental, and loving manner, and ask them about their behavior.  Have specific examples to bring to them to help them understand your concerns.  Encourage them to reflect on these experiences, what led to them, and how the other person may have felt.

Teach Empathy and Social Skills: Help your child understand the impact of their behavior on others.  Ask them to put themselves in others’ shoes, including those they may have hurt.  Ask them to recall times in which they have felt hurt by others’ actions.  You may also try role-playing scenarios to help them better understand the feelings of others.

Set Clear Boundaries and Consequences: Establishing clear rules and routines at home may help children who are bullying others to understand consequences of their actions.  Establish what behaviors are unacceptable, and what the consequences of those behaviors will be.  Also, reinforce kind, cooperative, and friendly interactions as you see them.

Offer Alternative Coping Strategies: Often, children who bully lack appropriate outlets for their emotions and energies may find alternate, less appropriate outlets.  Encourage prosocial behavior such as after school activities and sports, especially those which incorporate teamwork.  Professional help such as therapy can also be sought to address underlying behavioral or emotional issues which may lead to bullying in your child.

Creating a Culture of Support and Respect

Bullying is a challenging experience, but with the right support, both the person being bullied and the person engaging in bullying behavior can find ways to grow and heal. With guidance, support, and understanding, children can learn to develop healthy relationships with others and to treat others with respect.  Addressing these issues when they first appear is an important step in preventing longer term issues and helping your  child grow into a compassionate adult.

If you or someone you know needs support, Evolve Psychological Services is here to help. Our team offers guidance, therapy, and resources for children, teens, and families navigating challenges like bullying. Contact us today to learn more about how we can support you or your loved ones on the path to healing.