by Allison Dickens, LPC, LCADC
As the school year comes to a close, we should take the time to acknowledge the successes and progress of the students closest to us. Whether they be our own children, or beloved family members, friends, or members of our community, it is so important to recognize the hard work done this year, and allow them to truly enjoy the coming summer months. Graduation marks a major milestone, and for many teens, it’s a time of transition into college, trade school, the military, the workforce, or a more exploratory path. Whatever comes next, this is a season filled with emotion, for teens and their parents alike.
This is especially true of our college-bound children. Nothing can prepare a parent for the unique whirlwind of emotions that comes with launching a child into college. Pride, anxiety, hope, and grief come together in a complex and deeply personal experience. Parenting a college-bound teen is a confusing mix of feelings not just for parents, but for teens. They strive towards independence found in their college experience, but still rely on their parents for support.
This phase comes with its own set of challenges that are often misunderstood. Today’s teens are under more pressure than ever, and so are their parents. Whether your teen is leaving for a far-off college, staying local, or exploring creative or alternative paths, this time is a delicate balancing act for everyone involved.
For many parents, assisting your child in the process of applying for, selecting, and preparing for college can often trigger an identity shift. Your child sees this as a time to create a new identity as a college student, and you may feel worried about what that means not just for them, but for you as well. You’re no longer in charge of their daily decisions, but you’re still deeply invested in the outcomes. This can lead to tension, especially when your teen wants more space while you continue to want information about the decisions they are making.
It’s normal to feel grief as well as pride during this time. Sending a child off to college is often a parent’s first experience of “letting go” in a major way. That process stirs up all kinds of feelings, some about your child, and some about your own life, aging, or sense of purpose. At the same time, your teen may be pulling away, not to reject you, but to claim the independence they’ll need to thrive on their own. This individuation process is developmentally appropriate but can feel challenging emotionally. Remember, this process represents a huge shift for everyone involved, and it is normal for there to be feelings of sadness, frustration, and even grief for both parents and teens.
The Pressure to Overachieve
College admissions have become increasingly competitive, especially in the last few years. Teens today are navigating a culture that prizes productivity, perfectionism, and a never-ending résumé of accomplishments. Many internalize the belief that their worth hinges on what they achieve, rather than who they are. It can be difficult for a teen to develop a sense of self while simultaneously striving to achieve in all academic, athletic, and creative pursuits.
As parents, it’s easy to get swept up in the need to excel, especially when you want to give your child every advantage. But high expectations, when not balanced with empathy and realism, can become a source of chronic stress. Often, it is more important to assist your teen in finding a passion that drives them, rather than participate in every activity possible.
Ask yourself the following: Am I more focused on the outcome than the process? Am I allowing my child to appreciate and enjoy what they are doing, without thinking about a bigger meaning to it? Have I created space for my teen to rest, make mistakes, and explore non-linear paths, or am I expecting every endeavor to directly relate to a line on a college application or a point in their personal statement? Do I celebrate effort, growth, and character, not just results? Helping your teen to understand the inherent value in enjoying their pursuits without worrying about their meaning fosters feelings of satisfaction and self-actualization that will last a lifetime, not just through the college process.
Helping your teen step back from perfectionism can be a kindness for a child who is already hard on themselves. Teach them that failure isn’t fatal, that detours aren’t disasters, and that being human is more important than being impressive.
Supporting Identity and Inclusivity
Beyond academics, the teen years are often a time of self-discovery. Many teens are exploring who they are, not just in terms of careers or college majors, but in terms of neurodiversity, mental health, and other important factors. As we honor Pride Month, it’s especially important to recognize and support teens who are part of the LGBTQIA+ community.
Some parents struggle when their child’s emerging identity differs from their own worldview or expectations. But college is often the first place where teens can fully express themselves, and the foundation for that expression starts at home. Remember, once they leave your home, there are limits on the amount of oversight you have on their lives. Better to foster understanding now than leave them confused in the future.
Ask yourself: Can my teen speak freely about who they are? Do they struggle with talking to me about who they are? Do they know that they are loved unconditionally, even if we disagree? Am I modeling respect for all people, inclusive of identities, belief, and backgrounds? Is our home a safe place for all people? Modeling this openness, even if your teen is not expressing any changes in identity, is an important way to create an environment of inclusivity and acceptance.
This is a time in your teen’s life when many aspects of their personhood may be in flux. Supporting their changing identity, and being open to talking about sexuality, gender, mental health, and especially how all these things might change as they experience a new world in college. Be open to loving your teen no matter what changes they present to you.
Inclusivity doesn’t require perfection. It requires presence, curiosity, and a willingness to listen and learn. When your teen sees that you’re making an effort, even when you don’t get it perfectly right, they’re more likely to trust you with their inner world.
Navigating the “What Now?” Questions
This period also raises big existential questions for both teens and parents: What happens if my child doesn’t get into their dream school? What if they don’t have a dream school? What if their future looks very different than what I had imagined for them? What if they’re scared, confused, or unmotivated?
These uncertainties are normal. Not every teen is ready to launch at the same pace. Some may need a gap year, some may choose a non-traditional path, and others might stumble before they soar. Your role is to stay steady, as they navigate these big questions, and offer love, support, and a listening ear. Remember that this is just as scary for them as it is for you, if not moreso. Everyone has a path, but forcing someone into a future that is not for them is a fast track to feelings of failure, burnout, self doubt, and other negative feelings about self. Allowing teens to find themselves, and allowing them time to do so, is the best way to ensure future happiness.
You might also be asking yourself: Who am I when I’m no longer parenting full-time? What do I want for this next chapter of my life? This transition marks a shift for you as much as it does for them. Allow yourself to grieve the change, but also take pride in the role you had in creating an amazing human who is ready for their next steps. Try to fill your newfound time not with worry but with rediscovery of interests, reconnection with friends or your partner, and new focus on what you want out of this phase of your life.
Most importantly, stay connected with them. This shift does not have to represent a loss, but a recreation of this important parent/child relationship. Allow them space to grow, and know that your love, support, and acceptance creates the foundation for them to thrive.
Parenting a college-bound teen is a lesson in holding on and letting go at the same time. As a parent you must encourage ambition and change, but don’t forget to nurture their heart. Stay curious about who they are becoming. Be open to the ways they may change and challenge you. And above all, remind them that they belong as they are, and there is inherent value in who they are as a person, no matter what that ends up looking like.
At Evolve Psychological Services, we’re here to support both teens and parents through this exciting, and sometimes overwhelming, season. If you or your child are struggling with anxiety, identity, stress, or simply adjusting to change, please don’t hesitate to reach out.
